Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
