Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
