Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
