please come you make the beer taste better
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize