My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
