dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
