i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
