I'm gonna have a badass scar
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
