fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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