last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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