I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
