the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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