oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
