My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
