This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
