After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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