So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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