the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
