She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
