Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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