I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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