I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
