I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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