Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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