Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
