I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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