I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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