Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize