ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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