Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Drunk is not a location!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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