In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
