Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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