You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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