Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Porn is love you can see.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
