a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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