how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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