one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
