it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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