Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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