Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
