I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
