you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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