highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
