4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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