i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
