forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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