I cockslap morals
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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