I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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