he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
