i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
