I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
