I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
