We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
