dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Actions speak louder than pants.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
