my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
