I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
