I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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